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A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never…

A woman sees a beautiful bracelet in the window of a jewellery shop and decides that she wants it, but she doesn't have enough money to buy it. Then she has an idea. She goes into the shop and asks if they will hold/save the bracelet for her if she pays a small deposit. The jeweller says that for a deposit of $50 he will hold the bracelet for…

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly…

A woman is explaining the kind of man she wants at a dating service: "He has to be polite, he has to have various interests, he has to know how to have a good conversation, he has to know what's going on around the world, and he has to never interrupt me." "You don't need a man, madam, you need a…

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will…

A tourists guide was talking with a group of school kids at Yellowstone park when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf. "Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon." "What did you do?" the little girl asked. "What could I do?…

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'ma United States congressman!" The thief said," In that case, give me my…

A rich businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "Welcome to the family," said the man. "I'm so happy, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." The son-in-law interrupted. "Oh, um, I actually hate factories. Can't stand the…

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car.…

A pick pocket was pronounced guilty and sentenced to 8 months jail term with an option of $200 fine by the judge. His defense lawyer knowing that his client could not pay the fine, pleaded with the judge asking: "Your honor, my client can only afford $50, but if you allow him a few minutes in the crowd…