No Friend (Aaron's Letter)
I found these old letters from years ago
I felt it was fitting to continue that correspondence
Can’t help, I’m sentimental
"Thanks for talking with me today
I hope this is helpful for you
I also hope that Birdie is happy and healthy and staying out of trouble to a reasonable extent
What I wrote was sort of my way of finally being able to address how it feels to have anyone look at you as anything but the human you are, good and bad
For me, mostly bad
A lot of girls would come up to me before or after a show and tell me I’m perfect or that they want to be like me
Well, I realize that maybe it’s some melodramatic version of what they may truly feel
What I really hear is, "you can do no wrong in my eyes"
At that point, I’m not even thinking about my interaction with them anymore
My mind is just reeling, thinking about how much my insides are in complete contrast to what is being projected onto me
There were so many seemingly horrible things happening last year
I just wanted to die
I didn’t even feel like what I was doing was useful anymore
We couldn’t even keep ourselves healthy, let alone spread any sort of hopeful message
It felt embarrassing to be trapped inside myself and think I had a purpose
None of these things even begin to scratch the surface of faith and God, and where my head was at in that reality
I had nothing else to rely on
No ego, no relationships I trusted, no hope would come easily
These times I had envisioned hope as a little pink prick of light down a long, long dark tunnel
And this time, there was no tiny light… nothing
So, I just thought about future and death
My whole life had been about trying to make people feel better, but I can’t even make myself feel better
It’s hard to think that we’re about to head back out into the wild after being in a safe cocoon for nearly two years
It’s kind of hard to see myself in the reflection of people’s eyes
Realizing what they see may not even be close to the image I see of myself
And I think I might actually be more afraid to let my own self down than anything else
I feel like the man in the story who saw a bear floating in the river and thought it was a fur coat
Twelve years ago, I stood on the shore and jumped in and grabbed the coat
The river was rushing toward a waterfall
And my friend stood on the shore and shouted to let go of the coat and swim back to land
I let go of the coat, but the coat won’t let go of me"
In any case, please let me know if there’s more I can give you
If nothing comes of it, then just know we are grateful
