Offended
[Verse 1: Eminem]
You claim if you get knocked by the cops
You'll give 'em not even a statement
Walk in the arraignment
Shoot the bailiff, karate kick the plaintiff
Gotti with the stainless
I'll just call it shoddy entertainment
If y'all was in the party gettin' faded
On molly, had the audience sedated
You wouldn't catch a body if it fainted
Probably let it fall and hit the pavement
But you'd be the first lobbyin' to claim it
Bitch, stop bein' a lame
Your hobby isn’t robbery and dismemberin' body limbs
Like you was Tommy Lynn Sells
And chainsawin' them in the basement
Hardly fits your job description
Ain't nobody dippin'
Out the back of the club like "Oh my God, he's trippin'!"
Only time you get the blade is probably with the dang lawn equipment, ain't it?
Wouldn't take a bobby pin and wave it
I need to stop bein' debated
You're still copyin', Xeroxing, I'm still copping a feel
Like Bill Cosby at will, popping a pill
Then spill Oxys in Jill's coffee
Then send her out to the hotel lobby a lil' wobbly and still groggy
This blonde fuck's reprehensible
Misconducts, never sensible
Kiss my butt, my set of principles
Is gone, but 'til I get the President to respond
My pen and pencil is a missile launcher
And send it to Mitch McConnell
Just as big of a bitch as Donald—shit's on, bruh! (haha)
Let me sing this shit soprano
While I do it pizzicato
Ivanka, stiff-arm her while I'm hittin' on Melania
And this song's for all ya
[Chorus: Eminem & Kent Jones]
'Cause nobody likes me, everybody hates me
They want me to go eat some worms
I hope you offended
And drag my name through the mud, through the dirt
But I'ma make you eat your words
I hope you offended
You can try to hold me down, but you better let me up
'Cause you're only gonna make things worse
I hope you offended
'Cause I swear when I get up, I'm never gonna let up
'Til everybody eats my turds
[Verse 2: Eminem]
These drums and hard snares bring out the worst in me
Like Justin Ross Harris at a nursery
Goin' ham at candy yam on nanny cam
I'm gettin' handies with the zanny Xannys in the Caddy armrest
I'm imagining objects
So I'm batting cobwebs from a daddy longleg
In Hamtramck, got the panoramic camera
Xanax, a banana hammock and a Santa hat
I'm smellin' like a damn mechanic
With a chick that looks like Janet Jackson with a Spanish accent
Twice her age and I'm actin' half it (ha-ha!)
Grow up? Nah, not that I know of, y'all
Basement just got a frickin' overhaul
Got a stripper pole installed
Started rollin' all through those Klonopins like a bowlin' ball
Like an overdose on twice the ratio of Propofol
And go through no withdrawal
While I get fellatio and give a facial to
An interracial blow-up doll of Rachel Dolezal
You're so appalled ("Em…"), so's my manager
Bitch, I am mature, fuck a pro career
Coast is clear, but nowhere to go from here
And nobody's close so don't compare
They ain't nowhere near, I'm way over here
My competition can't see me—'cause I don't own a mirror!
But, Marshall, you are terrific, so smart and gifted
I'm so narcissistic, when I fart I sniff it
Do a fake dab to smell my armpits, whiff it
Your anxiety's throwin' gang signs
But I made strides with these rape lines
I'm cuttin' back on women hate crimes
Like Ray Rice when he FaceTimes
Bang, bang, bang, bang time
Dang knives're butcher than gay wives
You're gonna need sutures the same size
As the blade I push into caput'cha
When I pull 'em like… (what?) sleigh rides
Gotta stab a bitch at least eight times to make it on Dateline
I came to stake my claim like a canine waitin' in a buffet line
So, Kellyanne Conway, I'm a really bad hombre
Come play, belly dance on me
I've been making wedding plans all day
[Chorus: Eminem & Kent Jones]
'Cause nobody likes me, everybody hates me
They want me to go eat some worms
I hope you offended
And drag my name through the mud, through the dirt
But I'ma make you eat your words
I hope you offended
You can try to hold me down, but you better let me up
'Cause you're only gonna make things worse
I hope you offended
'Cause I swear when I get up, I'm never gonna let up
'Til everybody eats my turds
[Verse 3: Eminem]
Eight-year-old with the wordplay
Girl, take this pole like a survey
Today wasn't my birthday
But I'm caked up like a dessert tray
So we're in shape, 'cause you're in a slurrin' state
I’m a ten, you’re an eight
Like what I do before, after and durin' rape!
You wanna get into a pissin' contest and find out who's better?
And be made a fool out of when I pull on 'em?
R. Kelly with a full bladder
Non-high school grad, I'm not a scholar
But I'm so cold when I'm droppin' knowledge
My degrees is the same as I got in college (zero)
But nobody's hotter, you owe me my respect
I owe you nada like Haloti, partner
Blow me, told you I'm so dirty, homie
You can throw me in some holy water
With some floaties on and get the soap and try to
Get the Pope to hold me while you hose me off
And nope, I won't be washed
You hope to God I don't explode
I gotta blow this spot up though, I got a lotta mo'
I won't put the sugar coating on it though
'Cause sometimes you can feel like your energy's expired
Rap's got you drained, dead tired, zapped
You feel like a wet pile of crap
But look, man, like the feds buggin' my phone
Uh-huh, I get why you're tapped
But you gotta get your fire back!
"Catch fire, get upset and fire back"
Is what I tell myself when times get bad
'Cause sometimes I might get sad
But I take the same advice I had
And tell myself like I used to tell Hailie when life's a drag
Told her to do like her dad: don't cry, get mad!
'Cause little baby powders belong in diaper bags
I'm hyper, by the time you see this side of me
I'm right in your ass (sodomy!)
Foot up it, I stood up for the kid
Who had to put up with the bullies at his school (at his school)
You ain't had to have no money
Or go shoppin' just to cop a fuckin' attitude (attitude)
Now my dough's amountin' to a mountain
That's rised too high to count it
Never asked to be rich, all I did was wish
I had a dime for every time that I was doubted
But then I think about it, then I'm enraged
'Cause I just figured out that if I was paid
For the time I spent to put the pen to the page
It'd be minimum wage
But it's embedded in my head I never
Hunted for the bread and butter
What I wanted was to be the one they was scared of but
I'm never gonna get the credit for the sweat and blood
I put up in the pen, and when I'm dead I wonder
Will they put me on a pedestal
Or forget I was ever this incredible?
I guess I better go harder than ever 'cause
I'll never get another mothafuckin' opportunity again
To offend as many people with this I can simply because I can
[Chorus: Eminem & Kent Jones]
'Cause nobody likes me, everybody hates me
They want me to go eat some worms
I hope you offended
And drag my name through the mud, through the dirt
But I'ma make you eat your words
I hope you offended
You can try to hold me down, but you better let me up
'Cause you're only gonna make things worse
I hope you offended
'Cause I swear when I get up, I'm never gonna let up
'Til everybody eats my turds
